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Post by Mystic79 on Jul 20, 2006 17:07:40 GMT -5
So there is a young woman who I have been speaking with intensely and consistency (daily) for the past 4-5 months. We met in an online game and we ended up clicking. We have each others pic and have spoken on the phone many times. She agreed to come over to the US (She's from Canada) to meet me and spend the weekend hanging out (by this I mean going out on dates, getting to know each other in a face to face setting). This entire time she has been in a failing relationship (that one is long distance as well) and didn't official end it, altho she is unhappy.
She hit me with this the other night and basically said was going to end it before she visited me. She didn't tell me, but I sort of assumed she already ended it before she started up with me and showing interest. She is going through tough times and is afraid to hurt his feelings, even though she is not happy in it. I got very upset and basically felt like giving up completely., however she pleaded with me and said to give her time to patch up her old relationship (end it, essentially), and to give her another chance. She really doesn't want to lose me and thinks we may have a good future.
We are both very close and have shared a great deal with each other. I dont know if she truly has a desire to be with me, or she's trying to rely on the comfort of having someone talk to her, comfort her, and at the same time have the comfort of her failing relationship as well.
I'm not a three strikes your out guy, but I'm also not one to totally give up at the first sign of it not working out. Basically I am giving one more chance and seeing if she can remove herself from the relationship she's in to be in the right mindset when she eventually comes to visit me.
Anyone had a similiar experience? My friends are telling me to block her, totally get rid of her, but I think she is just misunderstood and if she proves herself to be honest and can break off her dying relationship she's in now we may have something special.
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Post by masterschamp on Jul 20, 2006 17:26:18 GMT -5
You're hung up on someone you haven't REALLY met yet.....move on young man. If she REALLY wanted to leave the other guy she would have.
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Post by RUBICON19 on Jul 20, 2006 17:47:52 GMT -5
Move on. She seems to be using you as crutch. Remeber she is the one not sacraficing for you, while you sit and wait. It is not fair to you. There are toooooo many fish in the sea. If it is meant to be than it will happen on its own. Dont force it. Think about your feelings.....
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Post by beckie on Jul 20, 2006 18:04:19 GMT -5
It smacks of rebound to me..I've been the rebound girlfriend before and although it seemed like we 'clicked' he really wasn't over his previous relationship and I got burned badly. It sounds like she is the type of woman that needs ' someone' to make her feel secure and loved,there are alot of women out there like this so I urge you to just be her friend right now and nothing else. She needs to let go of the previous relationship and if she can't do that,there is something wrong.
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Post by GerryT on Jul 20, 2006 18:12:30 GMT -5
Agree with Keith. This is baggage you don't need. Sorry to be blunt, but advise that you move on.
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Post by RUBICON19 on Jul 20, 2006 18:15:04 GMT -5
Agree with Keith. This is baggage you don't need. Sorry to be blunt, but advise that you move on. YUP |
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Post by Mystic79 on Jul 20, 2006 18:25:42 GMT -5
I appreciate all the feedback guys. She definately has some unresolved issues and baggage otherwise she would of left him a long time ago. I'm also upset at the fact that she led me on. I mean, even if I do start dating her, I think I'd be worried in the back of my head if she starts doing it with another guy, like she did with me.
She was telling me that she made a mistake and that I'm not being fair because she made one stupid error. Well, in my mind that's a pretty big error. You don't talk for hours on end for many months and lead on someone to the point if meeting them when you are still in a relationship.
Somehow she managed to reel me back in. However about the rushing things and making her chose, I am not doing that. I'm just going to see if she eventually gets her feet on the ground and realizes what she TRULY wants, than maybe there is a possibilily. Every day I go back and forth in my mind, but my gut instinct is telling me that it's not worth it. At least I could be her friend, because I think she would be destroyed if I completely ended it. And I hate being the jerk.
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Post by RUBICON19 on Jul 20, 2006 18:34:38 GMT -5
And you sit and self destruct instead.. hmmmmmmm.
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Post by sapphire on Jul 20, 2006 20:35:14 GMT -5
I am sorry sweetie, but you need to move on. I know it hurts but she sounds like trouble to me.
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Post by macattack on Jul 20, 2006 23:34:38 GMT -5
I've been in a long distant damn near 3 year relationship with a gal in Texas i'm in Califronia, been out to see her 5 times and her here once and I cannot tell you the frustration of it all it goes beyond INSANITY.
Its ended many times just to start back up again but this time it is for good though I have said that before I never felt this way about it before, wanting it to end that is.
You, ME we need to find someone closer to home my friend something thats real and in person save yourself the INSANITY of a long distance, I believe it takes certain types of people to do those, Me I want someone with me on a daily basis not 1,800 miles away and only see them every 6 months, this has all been really crazy especially when I get hit on constantly right here in town LOL.
I've already been dating these last few months, gone out with a few gals and nothing and am now persuing one who is fighting me a bit LOL but i'll break her down eventually I can see how her eyes sparkle when I go to Home Depot and visit with her for a few minutes, she says she's not ready to date got out of a relationship 1-1/2 ago so i'm trying to be patient, I know about patience!!!
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Post by beckie on Jul 21, 2006 3:00:20 GMT -5
I've got a bad track record with relationships too-I always end up with people who are not over their ex or who have some kind of other emotional issues. i have been single a long while now but am no longer prepared to put up with some of the 's**t' people spout.... Pity you don't live down here...  LOL |
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Post by Intensity on Jul 21, 2006 9:29:43 GMT -5
I cant say that i dont agree with the general opinion here, but because i like to play the devil's advocate, i'll ask you: If you stop talking to her, will you be happier? Will you be punishing you at the same time? If you feel like you want to keep going with her… just go, dont let your pride ruin a potentially good relationship…
Good luck
Mo
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Post by Mystic79 on Jul 21, 2006 10:11:25 GMT -5
I cant say that i dont agree with the general opinion here, but because i like to play the devil's advocate, i'll ask you: If you stop talking to her, will you be happier? Will you be punishing you at the same time? If you feel like you want to keep going with her… just go, dont let your pride ruin a potentially good relationship… Good luck Mo To your question Mo, I can't say I would be happier but I would more relaxed/at ease. I feel like it's a rollercoaster with her alot of the times. She has borderline personality disorder characteristics and she has a history of very stormy relationships. The fact that she is also very long distance would just make it worse. She always speaks of being alone, abandoned etc, and completely overreacts if she feels someone will leave her. I, of course, always take the role of the rescuer and it's not healthy. Now that I look at it, it would not be a healthy relationship. She needs to get help and get better on her own through some sort of therapy or seeing a Doctor. I have enough stress in my life as it is, and through this whole experience I have now learned that i want a strong and healthy girl (mentally). Of course, nobody is 100% mentally sound all the time, but this is an extreme case and my gut is telling me it would be dangerous for me to take that step with her. I will be her friend, but that's as far as it's gonna go. What makes this hard to do is because I'm afraid of how she will react, and of course I care for her. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a big softie, because if I wasn't then I would of had this situation dealt with a long time ago. |
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Post by gti steve on Jul 21, 2006 10:32:37 GMT -5
Yea I agree with everyone one here. Its sounds of a rebound and crutch to me. We always want to belive that "she will leave him for me", when in reality, if she wanted to be with you, she would have regardless of his feelings.
Hoenstly, I would just stop talking to her. Not to mention the fact that she lives in Canada. Do you think shes going to move here to be with you forever? Judging by what she did to you and the man she was with, this girl sounds unstable and probably has low self esteem, and keeping a guy like you around is exactly what makes her feel comfortable, knowing you're there.
Pick up, move on. Don't look back. The second you look back, she'll see that as a weakness.
Best of luck.
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Post by RUBICON19 on Jul 21, 2006 12:29:04 GMT -5
You wrote:
"She has borderline personality disorder characteristics and she has a history of very stormy relationships. The fact that she is also very long distance would just make it worse. She always speaks of being alone, abandoned etc, and completely overreacts if she feels someone will leave her. I, of course, always take the role of the rescuer and it's not healthy."
Right there. She may need help. You are never going to be able to fix her if that is what you think. I have been there and done that. Boy, did I get taken for a ride...
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Post by Mystic79 on Jul 21, 2006 12:54:00 GMT -5
You wrote: "She has borderline personality disorder characteristics and she has a history of very stormy relationships. The fact that she is also very long distance would just make it worse. She always speaks of being alone, abandoned etc, and completely overreacts if she feels someone will leave her. I, of course, always take the role of the rescuer and it's not healthy." Right there. She may need help. You are never going to be able to fix her if that is what you think. I have been there and done that. Boy, did I get taken for a ride... What ended up happening, Rub., I'm curious. |
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Post by Tim Wescott on Jul 21, 2006 13:00:23 GMT -5
Steve,ask yourself if you would put up with her behavior if it was not an internet long distance relationship and you both lived in the same city.
If the answer is no,get outta` Dodge buddy!!
If you get out now,you will not have lost much at all.
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Post by RUBICON19 on Jul 21, 2006 13:14:10 GMT -5
What eneded up happening? I GOT OUT!!!!! She continued in her ways. She probably had much bigger issues than this girl, but I tried to fix her over and over. People thought of her as my project that I just couldnt put down. I didnt listen to anyone. Horrible situation. I understand that you care about her, but you must put youself first. Life is to short my friend. Someday you will have a true girl and maybe children of your own that you can put your heart and sole into. Thats when all your caring for someone else will pay off.... This situation of yours will NOT last, so cut your loses now and move on. In time you will be glad you did. I promise you that. TIME!!!! Just give it TIME!!
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Post by vindog on Jul 21, 2006 13:14:38 GMT -5
I went into a fitness chat room on line in Spring of 99.I went on with the intention of introducing my fitness course.A lady responded and sent me an IM(I did not know what an IM was back then).She is from Reading PA and I am from Strongsville Ohio.We corresponded for a few months and visited each other.She moved to Strongsville in Spring of 2000 ,and has been with me since!!! Some do workout! She never did buy my Fitness course however!!! LOL  |
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Post by Tim Wescott on Jul 21, 2006 13:17:28 GMT -5
I went into a fitness chat room on line in Spring of 99.I went on with the intention of introducing my fitness course.A lady responded and sent me an IM(I did not know what an IM was back then).She is from Reading PA and I am from Strongsville Ohio.We corresponded for a few months and visited each other.She moved to Strongsville in Spring of 2000 ,and has been with me since!!! Some do workout! She never did buy my Fitness course however!!! LOL Cool story Vince.......you got lucky my friend!! |
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LOL
