Post by Rich on Jul 3, 2007 9:47:50 GMT -5
Last Monday I got a call from my mother, who was in tears. My closest, oldest friend's 8-year old son died in his sleep Sunday night. He was an only child from divorced parents. He was my godson.
The M.E. does not know the cause of death yet. All we know is that he is no longer with us.
I flew out to Calgary where my friend lives on the first flight I could get. My brother came with me. We stayed until this past Sunday.
God knows I have had about a million different thoughts running through my head.
For parents ... it's our worst nightmare. It's the kind of thing you think about and worry about but in the back of your mind you never believe it will happen - you're just scared to death about the possibility.
My buddy Rob and his wife Richelle are divorced. They share equal custody of Jacob, some weeks it's 3 days for Rob, others it's 4. Sunday and Monday were Rob's days. He got up Monday morning, showered and got dressed for work, and prepared breakfast for Jacob. Then he went to wake him up. There was vomit (or foam - I didn't get the details) and Jacob was cold. Rob will never be able to erase that image from his head.
My brother and I got there Monday night around 10:00 Calgary time. Rob didn't know we were coming. In a way, that made it more meaningful for him. He was in so much pain ... so much you can't comprehend. He was there with his ex-wife, his father and stepmother, his sister, his ex-in-laws and brothers-in-law. He came to the door because he saw me coming, holding a teddy bear that a grief counselor gave him. I knew the whole time we were flying in that there was nothing I could say that would have any meaning. I intended to give him a hug and just be there. He grabbed me in a bear hug and didn't let go for I don't know how long. He was crying so hard ... and saying how he couldn't believe this happened. I couldn't do anything but hold him and cry too. Then we sat and cried - all of us, until around 2:00 am, when my brother and I went to the hotel and everyone else went to sleep. I think Rob slept a bit. He was in real shock.
The next day we had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. This was sheer hell. As we walked in to the home and Rob and Richelle sort of realized why we were there ... very bad. There were about 12 of us there to support them, and we just kept hugging them, or standing by them. Rob's Dad was holding it together for Rob, but when he was alone he could barely keep himself upright.
Nightmare after nightmare. Rob and Richelle decided that for a eulogy they wanted to tell funny stories about Jacob. They couldn't do it so they decided to ask people to read. I was one of the ones they asked. I kept it together and read my share with the humour that Jacob deserved. Later I told my brother that I felt terrible for being ABLE to do that. I should not - NOBODY should - be able to put aside that kind of grief. I know now that it was a good thing. Rob and Richelle laughed, and laughter ended up being the healing salve for the week. After I sat down from the eulogy I broke down completely in the family section of the funeral. I wasn't alone, you can believe that. Then came the time to be a pallbearer.
No coffin should be that light. That just isn't right.
The end of the eulogy was Jacob's favourite song. Jacob used to sing and dance to it daily, and sang it to his mum every night at bedtime. His uncle recited it to us.
"Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty."
Rob's Dad collapsed on the way out of the cemetery. There were 4 people there to catch him. Catching people was the order of the week too. So many people came to show support and love. It was overwhelming. And overwhelmingly sad.
After the funeral I cried less. And Rob and Richelle started to be able to talk and behave in a way that told us that they will survive this (I don't know how a parent can survive this). For Rob, the key was laughter. Although it felt surreal, we sat around and joked about everything until tears were in our eyes from laughing. I was a bit worried, and asked Rob about it a number of times. He said it was the best thing. Jacob would be laughing right along with us if he were there and Rob could picture it. So we laughed and laughed.
When my brother and I left Rob was crying a bit. He thanked us for coming. Told us he could never express what it meant to him. I'm glad but more sad that we could do it.
I held it together and I was strong for Rob, though I don't know how. I saved my grief for when I was alone with my brother.
Thanks to you guys for being my friends - even if it's just internet. And thanks for reading.
The M.E. does not know the cause of death yet. All we know is that he is no longer with us.
I flew out to Calgary where my friend lives on the first flight I could get. My brother came with me. We stayed until this past Sunday.
God knows I have had about a million different thoughts running through my head.
For parents ... it's our worst nightmare. It's the kind of thing you think about and worry about but in the back of your mind you never believe it will happen - you're just scared to death about the possibility.
My buddy Rob and his wife Richelle are divorced. They share equal custody of Jacob, some weeks it's 3 days for Rob, others it's 4. Sunday and Monday were Rob's days. He got up Monday morning, showered and got dressed for work, and prepared breakfast for Jacob. Then he went to wake him up. There was vomit (or foam - I didn't get the details) and Jacob was cold. Rob will never be able to erase that image from his head.
My brother and I got there Monday night around 10:00 Calgary time. Rob didn't know we were coming. In a way, that made it more meaningful for him. He was in so much pain ... so much you can't comprehend. He was there with his ex-wife, his father and stepmother, his sister, his ex-in-laws and brothers-in-law. He came to the door because he saw me coming, holding a teddy bear that a grief counselor gave him. I knew the whole time we were flying in that there was nothing I could say that would have any meaning. I intended to give him a hug and just be there. He grabbed me in a bear hug and didn't let go for I don't know how long. He was crying so hard ... and saying how he couldn't believe this happened. I couldn't do anything but hold him and cry too. Then we sat and cried - all of us, until around 2:00 am, when my brother and I went to the hotel and everyone else went to sleep. I think Rob slept a bit. He was in real shock.
The next day we had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. This was sheer hell. As we walked in to the home and Rob and Richelle sort of realized why we were there ... very bad. There were about 12 of us there to support them, and we just kept hugging them, or standing by them. Rob's Dad was holding it together for Rob, but when he was alone he could barely keep himself upright.
Nightmare after nightmare. Rob and Richelle decided that for a eulogy they wanted to tell funny stories about Jacob. They couldn't do it so they decided to ask people to read. I was one of the ones they asked. I kept it together and read my share with the humour that Jacob deserved. Later I told my brother that I felt terrible for being ABLE to do that. I should not - NOBODY should - be able to put aside that kind of grief. I know now that it was a good thing. Rob and Richelle laughed, and laughter ended up being the healing salve for the week. After I sat down from the eulogy I broke down completely in the family section of the funeral. I wasn't alone, you can believe that. Then came the time to be a pallbearer.
No coffin should be that light. That just isn't right.
The end of the eulogy was Jacob's favourite song. Jacob used to sing and dance to it daily, and sang it to his mum every night at bedtime. His uncle recited it to us.
"Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty."
Rob's Dad collapsed on the way out of the cemetery. There were 4 people there to catch him. Catching people was the order of the week too. So many people came to show support and love. It was overwhelming. And overwhelmingly sad.
After the funeral I cried less. And Rob and Richelle started to be able to talk and behave in a way that told us that they will survive this (I don't know how a parent can survive this). For Rob, the key was laughter. Although it felt surreal, we sat around and joked about everything until tears were in our eyes from laughing. I was a bit worried, and asked Rob about it a number of times. He said it was the best thing. Jacob would be laughing right along with us if he were there and Rob could picture it. So we laughed and laughed.
When my brother and I left Rob was crying a bit. He thanked us for coming. Told us he could never express what it meant to him. I'm glad but more sad that we could do it.
I held it together and I was strong for Rob, though I don't know how. I saved my grief for when I was alone with my brother.
Thanks to you guys for being my friends - even if it's just internet. And thanks for reading.
