Guys! I Seriously Need Your Help

[Sareen]

WOTW is almost like my second family hence I am comfortable enough to reveal what I am about to........


Here goes, I am 27 years old now. Got married at 23. My wife was 19 then. I guess it was too early to get married. For me, after my fairshare of flings I felt it was time to settle down.

Earlier when we were dating things were great but after marriage things took a drastic change.....

1 She doesn't like me hanging out with my male friends let alone female friends. It went to the point that whenever my best friend used to call me she used to throw tantrums......

2 She overly tries to dominate over everything I do and commands me what I gotta do and if things aren't working her way then they are wrong.

3 She will never listen to me on what I have to say. Whatever she says is final and the best and whatever rest say, me included is trash.

4 She doesn't give a flying fu*k about my weight training and my competitive plans etc.

5 Whenever I had been out with my friends she used to create tantrums at home which used to upset my parents and they started worrying unnecessarily always blaming me.

6 Whenever on weekends we go out if she has vodka and I have beer(s) and smoke it's absolutely fine in her presence. Hey! That's the time I don't stink and the moment I go out with my friends I become a stinky bast*rd.

7 Whenever we have had problems I tried to sort it out in a good manner but hey! Somebody's got to listen right? She ain't willing to do that.

8 Even if she does admit her mistake and apologize saying it won't happen again it keeps repeating over and over again.

9 Whenever we go out it is always me who pays. She is not willing to shed a single dime. Although she earns very well.

10 Whenever I go out I have to tell her all the details of where I am going, whom I am meeting, when will I be back blah blah. If I ask her even once where is she going then her regular reply is : " Who are you to ask me that? I will do what I want"

11 Sex life is gone completely for a toss. I controlled my urges initially but unfortunately couldn't do it for long hence I ended having sex with couple of other girls including my wife's best friend.

Trust me guys I made her sit and tried to sort the problem out but she wasn't willing to consider it. I just couldn't help it. Why the fu*k should I sacrifice something like sex and that too for how long.

12 One of the worst part is because of her absurd behavior my mom gets extremely anxious and all the time yells at me saying that it's all my fault.

These are some of the points and there are many more.

When it comes to personalities I am an extrovert, who loves partying, I have lot of friends and easily mix and mingle with almost anyone. I am also happy go lucky types who doesn't stress out unnecessarily where it is not needed.

On the contrary my wife has always been on the conservative side, introvert to a certain degree who doesn't have much of friends. Because of her short temper she was also disliked by most in her college and recently the same thing continues at her workplace.She is highly academic.

Now coming to conclusion, I really respect and adore my wife a lot. She has been with me during my tough times and I have reciprocated equally. I wish her nothing but the best but I feel I cannot take this anymore. I need my own space and place to breathe. We have also spoken about seperation and I guess that will be the best for both of our interests.

Currently looking at the state we are a namesake couple. Divorce currently is out of question as in India it is highly frowned upon.. Divorce is definitely on the agenda though.

[beckie]

I'm really sorry things have come to this Sareen so I'll try to give you my best perspective on this:
She is threatened by your confidence and goals.It would appear she has no self esteem and is trying to sabotage you in order to make herself feel better. There are alot of women(and men) like this and really there is nothing you can do to reassure her or make her feel better about herself. She has to want to change and it would appear that she doesn't right now.

Maybe it wasn't a bad thing getting married at 23-lots of people grow apart and age isn't the only factor,people change at all ages! I know had I got married at that age I would definitely be divorced by now because I have changed my personality and life competely. But then again I have friends that married at 18 and they are still together now,20 years later.

I find it really difficult to condone cheating of any kind,especially with your wifes best friend. Ultimately these things come out and even if you manage to salvage your marriage,the trust may be gone. I understand we all have our 'urges' and I have talked many a guy friend out of cheating on his wife/partner simply because I have been cheated on and I know how much it hurts. You may think your wife wouldn't care,but all women do.

Your family is not living this situation so they can't possibly know what is really happening and how bad the situation has become. it is not something one person can simply fix,it takes collective effort to repair a marriage. Regardless of your cultural background and those expectations,you are clearly not happy. If your wife won't consider counselling then I guess a trial seperation maybe your only option...

I know Frank will have some advice for you so I'll let someone else chime in...

[Sareen]

Thanx for the advice Beckie. As far as the cheating is concerned let me be honest, I was very loyal all the time eventually as things worsened up I just needed a vent. ( I know it's wrong on my part to cheat ) but trust me things were getting way too frustrating and they went on like this for a prolonged period of time.

Also I agree with you that with time people change. In my own case I have evolved in so many ways as compared when I was 23.

Once again I would like to say that I really respect my wife. She is simply great but I feel we aren't meant to be together and if we do things will only become worse.

[GerryT]

Sorry to hear this, Sareen. Have you and your wife tried counseling? If that does not work, then separation should be considered and divorce would only be the last resort.

Agree with Beckie. With cheating there are only losers all the way around. But I hear where you are coming from.

I did some counseling in the schools for a while. So get in touch if you want to talk.

[vindog]

I have found the best thing to do is to be honest and to tell her how you really feel.I have done that with my Xs .We parted and still are on friendly terms.

[Sareen]

gerryt said:

Sorry to hear this, Sareen. Have you and your wife tried counseling? If that does not work, then separation should be considered and divorce would only be the last resort.

Agree with Beckie. With cheating there are only losers all the way around. But I hear where you are coming from.

I did some counseling in the schools for a while. So get in touch if you want to talk.

Thanx Gerry T. When needed I shall definitely consider getting in touch with you to talk.

[Sareen]

vince said:

I have found the best thing to do is to be honest and to tell her how you really feel.I have done that with my Xs .We parted and still are on friendly terms.

Good point Vince. Thanx.

[fit]

Man- I'm sorry- but I see a lot of blame pointed at her, nothing or little pointed at yourself... and cheating? YOU needed to VENT so you slept around including with her "best friend" who obviously isn't?

From the outside, soudns like a lot of male ego. I don't know your culture particularly well but sounds like you have some serious issues to work out too. And whether or not you divorce- i suggest you have a long think about your own behavior. Nothing she's done from what you've said, merited that incredible breach of your trust and faith in your relationship.

[Sareen]

fit said:

Man- I'm sorry- but I see a lot of blame pointed at her, nothing or little pointed at yourself... and cheating? YOU needed to VENT so you slept around including with her "best friend" who obviously isn't?

From the outside, soudns like a lot of male ego. I don't know your culture particularly well but sounds like you have some serious issues to work out too. And whether or not you divorce- i suggest you have a long think about your own behavior. Nothing she's done from what you've said, merited that incredible breach of your trust and faith in your relationship.

Thanx for your suggestions Fit. You definitely make a good point. Culturally it is pretty much the same as it is in the west in every aspect except that divorce is taken a lil seriously here.

I have to agree with Beckie that as time has passed we have evolved in several aspects and that might attributed to these growing differences.

Finally, like I mentioned earlier I have a lot of respect for my wife and hope that even after our separation we remain good friends but the fact of the matter is staying together is only going to make the matters worse for both of us. We are both mutual on our stance of separation as both of us realize that that would be the best thing for both of us.

[Tim Wescott]

Not gonna place the blame on anyone but try to reconcile,if it doesn`t work out,move on it`ll be best for both of you.

Good luck to you both bro.

[RUBICON19]

Alot of good points and suggestions here from all. I do have to agree with Fit a bit here though. No offense. You two probably got married a bit to young. You obviously were not ready. Mybe there should have been more communicating earlier on. When we get married to someone, we two become one. Your life becomes hers, and hers becomes yours. Sometimes sacrafices need to be made to make a marrige work. If you believe these sacrafices to be too big than she is not worth making such sacrafices for. There has to be a balance here. Just from your story, it sounds as though you wanted your cake and eat it to. Yeah, she is a little old school, but I bet with someone who TRULY loves here and apprecites her, she would open up quit a bit. Women are very sensative. I could be completely wrong here. Maybe she has been trying to lock you down from the get go with NO breathing room. Doesnt sound like this to me. I think that maybe you two got married in the middle of good ole party days and she thought that things were going to change. This is what married couples do. They change and GROW together as a team. To survive and prosper. Maybe she expected it was time for Sereen to grow up and be her husband. Love her unconditionaly and protect her at all cost. Maybe you were not ready for all this?? Now dont get me wrong man. This does not make you a bad person, just a bad descision maker ... Continuing to party while it hurts the one you are with is not what marrige is about. You will someday get all the craziness out of your system and want to settle down. Believe me, the time WILL come. Thats when you are ready. There cant be any doubts. Heck, took me a long time. Any earlier and it would not have been fair to me or whomever I would have married. Anyway bro. Dont be angry about all this. Its a tuff place for both of you to be. Take it as a learning experience and mov on. Dont hold a grudge or even look at marriage in a bad way. It can be a wonderful thing with the right person at the right time. There is NO rush to find this either. if it is ment to be than it will happen.

Ok bro. Thats it for now. I am running out of wind. Please take NO offense to any of this. I respect you very much. You are a great guy and I wish you all the best!!!!

Sincerely, Randy!

[sapphire]

I agree with Randy.... sounds like you were not ready to be married. The cheating is so totally wrong I won't even address it.
I am not judging you, I have made mistakes myself. I am divorced and remarried to my true love. We spend every minute we can together. We work long days and when we are home, we both don't want to leave each other's side. We hang out as a couple with friends. I do have dinner with my old gfs about 4-5 times a year. But besides that we are married and want to be together.
I think that is what being married is all about.... you just are not ready for that. IMO

[mrbeefy]

Sareen,

My wife and I met when we were 12 years old. We got married when we were 19. We just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Now...that being said.....

Love my friend, is unconditional. Period.
Do you REALLY love her? Does she REALLY love you?
If the answer is yes, then you can get through all this. If the answer is no, then perhaps it shouldn't of happend in the first place.

Ask yourself this question: IF she died tonight...what would you do? What would your life be like without her?
If you can be open and honest with her, ask her the same question about you.

Now, do you have to LIKE each other every day? No.
There are times that my wife and could really get under each others skin , but again, love is unconditional.

Sex. Hmmmm. You are both young and have needs. This is best worked out between the both of you. Do you have to do the "wild thing" every day? 2x a week, 1 x a month? Totally between you. But as the others said, once you bring cheating into the picture, the whole playing field changes. Tread carefully here.

In todays world, so much is "drive-thru" and "throw-away".
We want everything fast. We want everything now.
Slow down my friend.
When you plant a seed, it may take many years to grow. It needs to be cultivated. It needs time.
Perhaps you and your wife should consider this.

I wish you the best of luck. Talk with others. Vent away, but most importantly, talk to your wife. Not argue. Not fight. Not bicker.

Talk about how you met, and what attracted you to each other. Has any of that changed? Talk about your day-to-day things, and what compromisies you both might make.

Like Randy said, sorry to keep on rambling. Anytime you'd like to talk, let me know. I'll PM you my cell number.

Now....take a deep breath........and relax. We are all here for you if you need us.

Peace my brother,

Frank

[Sareen]

All I can say is WOW!! Man! I ain't a emotional guy but hell! you guys are like the (former) great Berlin wall there for me with what one would say the best advice one could possibly get under one roof. Man! I am outta words, really. Great advice there from everyone right from Beckie to Frank. Trust me! I really appreciate this a lot, I really do.


#wotwnumerounoun4#

[Rich]

mrbeefy said:

Sareen,

My wife and I met when we were 12 years old. We got married when we were 19. We just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Now...that being said.....

Love my friend, is unconditional. Period.
Do you REALLY love her? Does she REALLY love you?
If the answer is yes, then you can get through all this. If the answer is no, then perhaps it shouldn't of happend in the first place.

Ask yourself this question: IF she died tonight...what would you do? What would your life be like without her?
If you can be open and honest with her, ask her the same question about you.

Now, do you have to LIKE each other every day? No.
There are times that my wife and could really get under each others skin , but again, love is unconditional.

Sex. Hmmmm. You are both young and have needs. This is best worked out between the both of you. Do you have to do the "wild thing" every day? 2x a week, 1 x a month? Totally between you. But as the others said, once you bring cheating into the picture, the whole playing field changes. Tread carefully here.

In todays world, so much is "drive-thru" and "throw-away".
We want everything fast. We want everything now.
Slow down my friend.
When you plant a seed, it may take many years to grow. It needs to be cultivated. It needs time.
Perhaps you and your wife should consider this.

I wish you the best of luck. Talk with others. Vent away, but most importantly, talk to your wife. Not argue. Not fight. Not bicker.

Talk about how you met, and what attracted you to each other. Has any of that changed? Talk about your day-to-day things, and what compromisies you both might make.

Like Randy said, sorry to keep on rambling. Anytime you'd like to talk, let me know. I'll PM you my cell number.

Now....take a deep breath........and relax. We are all here for you if you need us.

Peace my brother,

Frank

Great post Frank. Well said indeed.

My wife and I have been together since I was 17 and she was 16. We married in our twenties. We've been a couple for 21 years, married for 14 (Dec 19th is our anniversary, actually).

Sareen, it's not always rosy. There have been some very rough patches for my wife and I. But one thing we never lose sight of is our desire to be together. Even at our worst ... even in the throes of the knock-down, drag-out fights, we never doubt that we will get through it. We never doubt that we're in it for the long haul.

And that's not a magical thing. That's a concsious decision. It would be easy to give up. To say "man, this is not working, let's call it a day". But then I'd be quitting on my promise to myself. Because when I made that commitment to her, it was really to me that I made it.

The end result is that I have a happy marriage. 97% of the time we are the happiest couple around. But all good things come at a price. I consider the other 3% the price we pay for our happiness.

So Sareen, what was the promise you made? You say you love and respect her. Is that true? Is that REALLY true? Or do you say it to make yourself feel better about indiscretion? Because if it's really true, then divorce/separation is not in the cards. RECONCILIATION is. Marriage is a dynamic, breathing thing. Feed it and nurture it and don't turn your back on it or take it for granted. You will be rewarded.

Please remember that I do not know you, or your wife. So everything I have to say has to be taken by you as empty words from a stranger.

But to me they are not empty. They're my life.