sharing thoughts about my dad

[mrbeefy]

Just needed to vent a moment.
Looks like my 88 year old father may not be with us much longer. Went into the hospital this week, feeding tubes, etc. VERY weak.
My brother is making funeral arrangments this afternoon.

Not sure how I feel about this since my father and I have been estranged for over 20 years.
Do I want to visit him and make peace. Nope.
Will there be a lot of words said to me from my brother and sisters. Yup. But that's just the way it is.

Anyways...thanks for the ear...just needed to vent to someone.
later

[RUBICON19]

Hey man. Thats sad. Sorry about all that. Are you sure that you dont want to just make a little visit? You may feel good about it later. I dont know your situation, so..... I should just shut my trap...

[mrbeefy]

Thanks for saying it...but I've been over it with family already.

For a whole lot of reasons, some good, some not so good, I would just as soon not visit.

Way to much family drama going on over this.....
don't need the stress or the BS.

[GerryT]

I thought the same way, Frank. But hope you can get past that and make peace with him.

My dad and I were not best friends. He had done some terrible things to my mom and others. But he also was responsible for bringing me into the world and did provide. He had inoperable cancer and was given 6 months. He went in three.

Finally decided to visit, which was the day before he died. We made peace, and think we were both better for it.

Of course, you have to act on your own feelings. But you won't have a second chance. I suspect that if you don't go, you will regret it down the road.

just my advice, but naturally it's your call. God bless.

[mrbeefy]

GerryT:
Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your story too.
I do not live with regrets. I'm sure whatever action I may, or may not take, will be the correct one for the moment.
All stories have an ending...some good, some not so good.
You have to play the hand your dealt.

[Sal Paradise]

I don't know the situation so I won't give you any input.
It's not my place and you didn't ask.

But I can say this, if my father was on his death bed I can pretty much bet I would do the same.

He left when I was three and although I have gone out of my two or three times since to make a relationship work he just has no part of it.
I looked him up when i was 16 and traveled across the country and tried to make somethign of it. No dice. He was absent then just like he was all the years before that.
Then I took my first wife to meet him, although he did spend a day with us and even come to our wedding I never heard from him again.
That was about 12 years ago.
He even called my mother and wanted to get out of child support he owes in arrears. I was in her house when she talked to him - did he even bother to ask about his kids? No.

He didn't provide for anyone and I know him no better than a passing stranger on the street.
Would I try to make peace with him? No.

Was he responsible for bringing me into this world?
Well that's a favor I could have done without.
Don't read that the wrong way but that sure isn't any reason for having feelings for someone.

All I can say is if you're an arse when you're alive you're and arse when you're dead.

No thanks I just don't need that kind of person in my life and have no reason to try and make peace with a useless waste of life like that.


Sorry for the rant.


Sal

[mrbeefy]

Sal,
Thanks for sharing with me. It wasn't a rant.
My situation is very similiar.
He was/is an alcoholic his entire life. Not violent or anything.
Work/sleep/drink. That's it.
Really didn't have much to do with me all my life.
Did he support me? Yea, he worked.
But I cannot remember a single instant when he supported anything I ever did.
When I helped him with his finances, he called me a fu __ thief.
When he visited in Colorado, he called my wife a bit*h for not driving into the city to get him something to drink.
He doesn't know my kids, or grandkids names.
There are numerous stories just as this, or worse.

He has lived his life, and had made his choices.
My life will go on.

Thanks Sal.

[GerryT]

Understand where you guys are coming from. My dad cheated on my mom twice (that I know of), and it took me years to finally forgive. I finally learned that there were two sides to that story.

We all have to make the best choices we can for ourselves. Just as I did what I felt was the best thing for me, then so must you.

[mrbeefy]

Thanks G!

You are right on Bro!

[BigMikeReed]

Hey there man- I'm with the rest of them.. leaning toward Randy's side a little. I'm not going to tell you what to do though because that has to be a personal decision and has to be one that you make on your own and feel comfortable with. This is a timely subject you are making as I saw my father at Christmas and don't think he will be around in a year or two.

My Dad is 71 and has been smoking 1-2 packs of cigs a day for about 55 years. While he is not in the hospital or anything like that, his personality has changed and also he'll complain of "not feeling well" often- something that he's never done before. Having lost 3 grandparents to cancer, I know the signs and feel that he most certainly has it.

Here is my story with me and my Dad:

My parents divorced when I was 10 yrs old and I don't blame him. As Gerry said there are two sides to every story. My Father and I however were never really close and although we live in the same town, I see him on holidays only. We have virtually nothing to talk about. I beleive there could be some hard feelings for reasons I won't go into but in the least there is a communication issue. I really feel like I need to come forward and talk to him one one one--- not to really even hash over why we dont' talk but just to talk about whatever-- I just don't want to feel like I left things in limbo, never taking the first step to communicate. He'll pass one day and my chance will be over. I'm not looking for some bit "renuion"... I just don't want to have regrets.

Now your situaion with your Dad sounds different as he has never been there really for you at all. I would say man, think from your heart and do what you'll feel good about. That's all you can do.

Take care big man.

Mike

[mrbeefy]

Thanks Mike....appreciate your sharing with me.

Everyone once in awhile my son acts pretty stupid with me (he's 25 yrs old), and I tell him I can't be mad at him.
When he asks why, I tell him....
"Well your grandfather acts like an idiot, you tell me I do too, so it must be just gentic that your an idiot too!" ;D

Kidding aside...I just don't feel that there is anything to talk about. Nothing to reconcile. Nothing to say.

I learned a long time ago to choose my battles carefully. Some are worth fighting, some are not. This is one of those situations that I cannot see benefit for anyone...him, me, or any third party either.

So again...I'll just play the cards the way their dealt.

[Tim Wescott]

My father was an abusive alcoholic most of his life.

He terorized us kids when we were little and used to beat up my mother on a bi-weekly basis....I can honestly say that he was the only person I truly ever hated.

Long story short,but after my mother died,I made peace with my father and we actually became friends.

Sometimes it`s good for both parties to forgive and forget the past.

On the other hand,I really see where you are coming from Frank,and I can relate.

On a sidenote,I`m sorry to hear that he may pass.

Stay strong and do what you think will benefit you both at this time.

[mrbeefy]

Thanks Tim....

I new you could relate and understand.

Thanks for your thoughts and advice!

[Karrie]

We all make choices in life, good and no so good. If you choose not to go visit then that is your decision. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes in life. You need to do what you feel is best for you no matter what your family says. You say you have no regrets...but we are all human and most of us do for specific things. If you chose not to go and you regret it later then you will have to deal with it and if you have no regrets later then that is confirmation you made the right choice. Just remember the past CANNOT be changed we can only make positive choices for ourself for the future. Be thinking of you.

[mrbeefy]

Thanks Karrie!
I appreciate your concern and thoughts.

My wife went to the hospital to assess his condition this morning. They basically have him medicated, tied to the bed because he is pulling out IV's and such. He couldn't talk but did utter a few superlitives at the nurse when she came in. My wife said he is very bruised, pale, and weak looking.
The nurse asked her if the family had made a decision about hospice...which was news to us.
I guess something my brother and sister "forgot" to tell me about.

Well, I will live with whatever decsion I make at the time. I still do not plan a visit at this time.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and wishes!

Frank

[Sal Paradise]

Ahhhh Regret!!

Forgive me for going off topic a little Frank.
But I must say I'm with you on this one.

I personally don't believe in regret. About the closest thing I can relate to regret is leaving a 66 Pontiac Lemans convertible in the Texas dessert when the motor blew up. I supppose I could have fixed it but a motor in Podunk would have cost me about 2000$ and I left the car and took a four day bus ride back to Ohio....But DAMN what a story!!!

I do think that people who are not confident in their decisions and more importantly feel bad about their position in life (be it currently or any time in the past) are also the ones who feel regret for some reason.
Not that I am always right, far from it - even if I do tell my wife I am . I just stand firm in the belief that I can only make a decision and choice based on what I know at that time. Looking back with a different perspective simply allows me to rethink my decision - what's the point in that. It serves no purpose.
IF I had known then what I know now... well cr@p if I knew then what I know now then I MAY have made a different choice but that's not possible. Never has been, never will be.
You can't have regret, it's a ridiculous concept in it's entirety to me.
You make the decision RIGHT or WRONG based on the facts presented. If a person makes a wrong decision knowingly then they alone have to deal with it.
It's not about regret, it's about not standing behind a decision.

Not that this has anything to do with the topic at hand or people involved but Karrie got me going....Sorry hon!

Again, sorry for goin off topic Frank but I'm with you on this one.
You make a decision based on what you know, not what may be or what we might wish they were but rather what the facts are, that's all a person can do.

Just my 34.5 cents.


Sal

[RUBICON19]

The only thing I am suggesting is this. You and everyone here has made bad decisions in our lives that have effected others. We may have ben forgiven and we may have not been forgiven. We wished we never did these things and also wish that we could show the others we hurt that we were truly sorry. What if your dad feels this way about the things he did or didnt do?

Thats my final word. I am sorry for even saying this stuff as it is not my place. I am probably irritating you more than you want right now...

[mrbeefy]

Thanks Sal,

I have a tattoo across my chest right above two dragons.
I have the words.."Carpe Diem"! Sieze the Day!

I try to make a commitment...and stick to it.
When I do my workout out I see those words in the mirror
(actually they are backwords, but you get the idea!) and it pushes me. To Seize the moment, I live without regret.

I guess someone could turn this around on me and tell me to go "seize the moment" by visitng my father , right?
Well, if it felt right, I would. But it doesn't.
I have other aqauintences, not even close friends, that would, and have done more for me than my father ever did.
A perfect example...in the now...is this very thread.
My father has never taken the time to give me a single word of advice on anything. You did here.

Am I a cold son-of-a-bit__? Perhaps.
I beleive in being real. No facades. No BS.

It's like the people who go to church on Sunday, and then cuss out the guy in the parking lot on their way out. Give me a break.

I try to stand by my convictions.
Sorry for ranting back.....just had to get that out

[mrbeefy]

Rubi....no please...I do understand.

A man was preparing to die, and asked what purpose he had in life, because he did absolutely nothing.

The man in the bed next to him said, " Yes, you have. You have taught me how to die well."

So even in dying, we can serve a purpose to someone.

How we percieve that purpose is up to us.

If/When my fathers time comes, will I have regrets? Probably not. Will his death have served a purpose. Perhaps.

When MY time comes, will it have served a purpose? Perhaps.
But I will know in my heart that I made a difference in some peoples lives. THAT has already been proven to me.
AND I plan on continuing making differences in peoples lives.

Am I perfect ? No way! (don't tell my wife!) But I try to do the best I can.
Carpe Diem

[RUBICON19]

mrbeefy said:

Rubi....no please...I do understand.

A man was preparing to die, and asked what purpose he had in life, because he did absolutely nothing.

The man in the bed next to him said, " Yes, you have. You have taught me how to die well."

So even in dying, we can serve a purpose to someone.

How we percieve that purpose is up to us.

If/When my fathers time comes, will I have regrets? Probably not. Will his death have served a purpose. Perhaps.

When MY time comes, will it have served a purpose? Perhaps.
But I will know in my heart that I made a difference in some peoples lives. THAT has already been proven to me.
AND I plan on continuing making differences in peoples lives.

Am I perfect ? No way! (don't tell my wife!) But I try to do the best I can.
Carpe Diem

Understood and sorry..