sharing thoughts about my dad

[mrbeefy]

Nothing to be sorry for Bro!

I appreciate everything you said!

[beckie]

I do understand this scenario Frank and I have a similar dilemma with my father. He is getting on in years(80 next month) and although he has provided for me financially he has never been there emotionally. i have been belittled and verbally abused for years and one thing sticks in my mind the most-he has never apologised-if he did(but he won't) that would almost certainly change the way I view things.
my mother chooses to gloss over this aspect of his personality and make excuses,but I don't-I call a spade a spade.I know other people don't see that side of him but for me I know i would not be able to get up at his funeral and say how wonderful a father he was...
Based on my own experiences people like this don't change so I completely understand why you won't be visiting him.

[BigMikeReed]

rubicon19 said:

The only thing I am suggesting is this. You and everyone here has made bad decisions in our lives that have effected others. We may have ben forgiven and we may have not been forgiven. We wished we never did these things and also wish that we could show the others we hurt that we were truly sorry. What if your dad feels this way about the things he did or didnt do?

Thats my final word. I am sorry for even saying this stuff as it is not my place. I am probably irritating you more than you want right now...

Randy:

Your point is so insightful and true. We all have done things we wish we hadn't and wished we could take back and can't. Whether or not it applies in MrBeefy's case or not, I have an observation of my own along this line...-- our parents make mistakes that we all are aware of and we vow that if we have our own kids we won't make those mistakes. Well we might not make the same mistakes but we will make others. I have a seven year old and though my mistakes have not been horrendous, nonethless I have made them and sure I will make many more. Being a good parent is VERY difficult and you can make BIG mistakes. MrBeefy- just be sure that you truly don't care about seeing your Dad.. ever.. before you make this final decision.

Mike

[mrbeefy]

Thanks Mike,

I understand where your coming from.

My 25 year old son came to my office yesterday (he was working across the street), and I took him to lunch (Valerie Waugmans restraunt - #7 rated FIgure Olympia) We had a nice talk. Was unusual for us.

Still haven't made a final decision yet.

Thanks again.

[Rich]

Hey. Sorry for being new and presuming in any way to join this thread. I don't know you all the way you know each other.

However ... one thing you said stuck with me MrBeefy. You said you haven't made your decision YET.

If you think there's still a decision to be made - that is, if you haven't decided NOT to see him at this point, then I think the decision is already made. You have to go see him. Because if you don't, the decision might be made for you before you have a chance to make it. I don't say this because I think I understand your relationship in any way - I don't. But I do understand from personal experience how the death of a relative takes away forever your right to make that decision.

[mrbeefy]

Rich...first of all, even though you said your new...you ARE one of the family here!

All that you said is true. I'm not quite sure why I said yet. Freudian slip perhaps?
I should have said that it is my intention not to see him.

My Uncle took a picture of him about 10-15 years ago that is a decent pic of him. We have a collage of family pics in our hallway, and that pic is there, more to show generations of family than anything. IF I want to remember him,that is the way, the way he looks in the pic. Not withered lying in a bed, not knowing who anyone is. Just brings back too many bad, or I should say, non-existent memories.

Thanks for your remarks. I do appreciate seeing all sides of the coin, and remember...you're family here

[GerryT]

This, among other threads, shows how strong the community and family bonds are here. I don't feel the intensity as much on other forums, as very good as they are.

Frank, as much as we feel and identify, only you know what is in your heart and only you can make the final decision. As long as it is right for you, then nothing else matters in the end. Wish you peace of mind and soul.

[mrbeefy]

Thanks GerryT!

I do appreciate everyones thoughts and prayers.......

It is funny though, that although we are from all over the place, and of all different backgrounds and circumstances....

how much we DO have in common.

Isn't it funny how lifting a little weight can bring people together?

[RUBICON19]

mrbeefy said:

Thanks GerryT!

I do appreciate everyones thoughts and prayers.......

It is funny though, that although we are from all over the place, and of all different backgrounds and circumstances....

how much we DO have in common.

Isn't it funny how lifting a little weight can bring people together?

HOW TRUE!

[Mystic79]

Forgiving people who have wronged us is perhaps the hardest thing to do. Once we do it though, we are overcome with an indescribable peace that heals all wounds. It's tough to accept, but parents are fallible imperfect beings too. I pray for you, and your father Frank. It seems to me though you have truly learned from his mistakes and become an excellent father, friend and husband. Sometimes other people's mistakes/misfortunes brings out the best in us. Stay strong Frank!

[mrbeefy]

Thanks Mystic...

I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

Some probably don't remember, but in my intro thread I mentioned that I am an ordained Catholic Deacon. I attended Seminary four 4 years. I have baptized, married, and buried many people.

I understand forgivness. I counsel couples, individuals on all kinds of life issues. However, after stating all of the obvious, which we have done here, I always remind them, that it is all left to choice. What you choose, or do not choose to do.

We live and die by those choices.

In front of me right now, posted on my wall are two pictures. One of a smiling fat round man, and one of Ahmad Adhar (Abzilla).
I have written above it one word, "CHOICES".
You can choose to be round, or you can choose to look like Abzilla.
The choice is up to you.

In this case, I have made a choice. Partially from my experience, and partially from my heart, and that choice I will have to live with.

Thanks for keeping me in mind!

Frank

[mrbeefy]

Found out last night that they will NOT be able to insert a feeding tube. Something about his heart could not take the procedure. Doc said it is probably just a matter of days. Made all the funeral pre-arrangments yesterday.

[mrbeefy]

Sister-in-law left message on phone that my father will be being moved to hospice.

[Mystic79]

Frank, I totally agree that the choice is yours., and you must make the decision YOU see fit. But on the topic of forgiveness, at least in my experience is the only thing that truly brings us peace. We ALL sin, we are ALL bad sometimes, but God still loves us. I think of how his own people turned him over to the Romans to be tried as a common criminal where he was spat at, whipped, beaten, and ultimately crucified., yet he found the power inside of himself to forgive them and that ultimately brought peace to HUMANITY, because he died for our sins. In my own life I used to have alot of resentment, hate and anger towards people, and I would use the phrase . "You did nothing for me, why should I do anything for you?" but that caused me turmoil and I was working against Christ's will, because really he didn't have to safe us, but he chose to be humble, and to do so, and he did it out of love.... UNCONDITIONAL love, which of course means no strings attached.

Again this is just me expressing myself and just giving you some insights as to what I think about when I look at my life and when I feel people shouldn't get my respect or love, because we all have good in us, and if we turned our backs on everybody who did us wrong, we would never have peace.

In any event Frank, know that I'm praying for you and your family, and that I hope things work out.

[tiffany]

My thoughts are with you and if I were in the same situation, I also would choose to do the same thing. It's funny, even though my dad and I hadn't talked for years, I still asked him to walk me down the isle for my wedding because everyone told me I would regret it if I didn't, now I regret that I did. It is true we all make mistakes but to forgive and be forgiven, both sides have to be willing. Since that day that I made contact with him I have spent many years trying to forgive my father for the abuse he inflicted upon myself and my siblings. I wanted my children to know their grandparents and have a BIG family. For years we were successful only by pretending the past didn't happen but recently some events have made that impossible. My father still will not acknowledge or apologize for his actions and has now gone as far as implying we have false memory syndrome. He has even advised my one brother, who seems to want to copy some of his behaviors, to move to another province, away from us. My Dad lives if Florida and we all live in Ontario - gee I wonder why. Even though we do not agree with his behavior, my brother has been strong enough to come to us about it and because of this will do anything to help. I have realized a BIG family does not always make a HAPPY family. It is the love, trust and respect between members of a family that make it possible to forgive when mistakes are made.

You have obviously put a lot of thought into this - be true in your choices and there will be no regrets.

I only hope that your siblings are able to respect your choice and allow you to be there for them during this time.

Tiff

[mrbeefy]

Mystic & Tiff,

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. Again, it just goes to show how much we have in common.

Choices.........I'll just be glad when it's over.

Turmoil between siblings is starting already....and is now bleeding over to my wife. As with so many things, it will probably get worse, before it gets better.


Again, glad when it will be over.

[GerryT]

Praying for peace and closure for you, Frank.

[mrbeefy]

Thanks Gerry!

me too .....

[mrbeefy]

Brief Update....father moved into hospice on Friday.
Sister flying in from San Antnonio today to see him.
He seems a bit stronger with the little nutrition he's taking in.
Just a matter of time.

[GerryT]

Very similar situation to my dad, Frank. Matter of time. Said a prayer for you and the family in church this weekend. Hang in.